Wednesday, April 8, 2015

I hate untitled posts, at least for myself, my OCD kicks in and I go crazy. But I couldn't find the right title without freaking someone out.

Peru and Chile were magical.  El flaco and I had a beautiful time, we went right back to who we are when we are together and spending quality time together and it was a time I will never forget.  He makes me laugh out loud, he feeds me Pringles with his mouth, he plays with the most jiggly parts of my body, he looks confused as hell trying to understand Spanish yet still finds a way to laugh at people's jokes.  I never stopped loving him and don't plan on ever doing so.

'you never know, you might just find someone new'

Ever since I got back from our trip, went back to our normal lives people that are 'concerned' ask me this question and it breaks my heart.  My mother took it a little further and said, 'he's over there, you never know, he might meet someone else'.

Why do people feel the need to say this to someone who's been through a break-up or is in a long distance relationship?  Are we so numb to love that we feel we need to just put a band-aid on the wound without truly letting it heal?

What is so difficult for me to make people understand is that everyone's relationship is different, not all relationships are the same.  One cannot compare their relationship to another, what benefits me and makes me happy is not what might make others happy.

This relationship has given me more of an appreciation for love, it's shown me that I can care for someone other than myself.  Time and sacrifice.  Distance and reflection.  These are all the things that I now know so painfully well and you know what?  As I told him, I rather have this than nothing at all.

Call me crazy.

You don't pay my fucking bills.

Monday, January 26, 2015

It's Difficult Coming Up With a Title


Yes I am still alive.  I am well. My kids are well. My dog is well.

My heart though.

2014 was a rough year, a year of loss and an immense amount of self-doubt. I wish I would have been in touch with the world on blogger, but I was too busy and plus, Facebook is so much easier.  So here I am.  Here I am!

The Scot and I.

I love the guy.

I tried getting over him, I tried telling myself that this was my destiny, that I had real love and like any love story I lost him.  But it isn't the way my heart functions.  Instead, like a true tragic Chilean poet I have accepted the difficult situation we're in and I am giving into love, head on.

I love the guy.

I've gone back and forth and have played with his emotions, mostly influenced by those around me.

Those around me.

They don't give a shit.  People like to give you their opinions, they think they know what's best for you, but in the end them fuckers don't pay your bills and don't know what's deep in your heart.

If someone doesn't try to find you they don't miss you.  If someone doesn't miss you they don't care.

We miss each other.  

But not for long.  At least for a little bit.  We are going to be seeing each other again in 43 days, yes I am counting down.

Sacred valleys in ruins to me sound incredibly symbolic.  Something that once was so strong, tumbled down, but it is still there and it is still beautiful.

To love!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I'm alright.

Things are better. I feel at peace, my mind is clear, strong, and I am a beautiful person so things will turn out okay for me.  I've grown a lot these past few months, getting shit done on your own and being the one person telling yourself that you're awesome every morning makes you stronger, you kind of start to believe it.

The Scot and I, pah, I don't know that I want to bore you with the details, but I promised myself at the beginning of this blog that I would be honest with myself, that's what this blog is all about.  El flaco and I, we're still talking, every day,  great intimate conversations actually, more than we had when we were physically together.  We are planning a trip later this year, we will see where we end up, I hope I fall back into his bed arms, damn I really miss being held. This I know, he's the fucking love of my life and the one I've not been able to erase from my heart -I am excellent at deleting people from my heart when I've been hurt, not him, I can't erase him, I don't even want to.  My love stories have never been that successful, but I have not lost hope. I'd be so happy with love, but I am comfortable with the idea of being alone too.  Loneliness is such a sad word, but I am far from lonely, I've got some damn good friends, and for the really lonely times I've got an excellent vibrator, but that's another post for another day.

Right now my focus is being my true and authentic self.  I've got daddy issues and mommy issues.  I grew up being told to be a certain way, that I was too fat, that I was too brown, that I was not smart enough, especially in this closed-minded place I call home.  If you're a woman of color, kind of on the chunky side, laugh really loud, speak your mind, you might not be a great fit or catch here, I call it 'Pinterest Syndrome'.  But I am learning, I am learning not to internalize things, when someone puts me in a box I am trying not to let it bother me so much because I am good enough, I've always been.

So there you have it, a quick hello, next, Lelo review.  Oh yessssss.

Listening to: Muerte en Hawaii by Calle 13

Monday, February 17, 2014

Shit Happens...and it happens to me

I've been on blogger hiatus for serious reasons, the Scot and I are separated.  He's in London, I stayed.  He fucked up.  I fucked up.  It all went to shit.  We're still friends and love each other .  We might see each other again.  Who the hell knows.

But life is teaching me a lot, I've fallen hard on my ass two times in my life.  This time it hurts more than ever because the love I have for that flaco is immense, but he fucked up, and now I am just trying to pick up the pieces, try to find ME.  But isn't that what everyone who's been through a bad breakup says?  I'm so over it.  I'm over trying to find myself, I'm fucking here, I'm found!  I'm strong. I'm beautiful. I have a strong body, a strong mind, and a strong voice. I am truly fucking amazing.

But that's just it, it's not about me.  I shouldn't take things personally whether it's a compliment or a complete diss, it's not all about me.

I shouldn't complain because it's not all about me.

When is it all about me?

I might just make it all about me...I am really tempted.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Happy Birthday, my love.

Medical bills, Summer Camp for the kids, Brazil Camp (for me), it all adds up and leaves us skint for his birthday.  It happens every year.  I can't really buy him what he'd like because we can't afford it just now.  So what do you do?

You take him into the bedroom, get 80% naked, and have him take pictures of you.  He's a real cheap date.

I feel a bit selfish though because I enjoyed it probably more than he did.  Happy Birthday, my love.  May you live many more for your selfish wife.

Listening to:  Love It All by The Kooks

Friday, May 24, 2013

I'm alive, so alive

Holy crap.  Have I really not posted anything in how long?
Yep.  But I am still alive, so alive, so happy, so good.  Just too damn busy, or perhaps just too lazy...maybe a combination.
Facebook, I blame you Facebook, you're so much easier. 

But yes, I'm alive, the Scot is alive, the dog, the kids, we're all happy.
And it's been a crazy ride.  Let's start with the bad.

Bollocks.  Who needs them?
The Scot has recovered.  He's half a man, half a lesbian now, he says.
But the cancer was taken out, he's recovered well and I am so happy to have him with me. 
Yeah, cancer.  That's a freakin' scary term.  It all happened so quickly I feel irreverent not having spent any more time posting about it, but it just slapped us in the face, we just weren't ready.
But he's fine, no worries, he's alive and well, gardening, eating all my delicious foods, the grumpy bastard didn't change.
I love him so much, that will never change.

Me...well, I am too busy
I'm singing
Singing a lot
And I am so happy doing it
That's pretty much what's taken over my world right now, and it's worth it, it makes me happy

it drives me
I've found it
part of it
What else could I ask for? 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I love Halloween

I shall post something of substance soon.